CRIS, VOCÊ ENLOUQUECEU? (INVEJA E TRAÇOS HISTÉRICOS)!

Será que enlouqueci? Estive me perguntando nos últimos meses! Não me reconhecia naquela pessoa agressiva e desorganizada em que eu tinha me transformado. Afinal sempre fui tão correta, tão certinha! As pessoas até brincavam que eu era muito cerebral – eu pensava, concluía e organizava! Sentimentos? Eu driblava, facilmente! Porque sofrer por alguém? “Que bobagem!”; assim eu ia lidando com a vida emocional e me sentindo muito bem resolvida. Conquistava e largava! Isso me divertia. Me dava prazer saber que alguém sofria por mim. Eu funcionava assim, até há alguns meses  quando Nívea, minha prima, se casou. Naquela noite, tudo estava em clima de festa. A noiva  com um brilho no olhar, irradiando uma felicidade única. As cores do ambiente, aquela festa… Na hora em que eu fui cumprimentar os noivos, senti um “frio na barriga”. Essa sensação esquisita me fez sentir mal e aumentou, mais ainda, quando fui abraçar Nívea e senti a intensa alegria que ela estava vivendo. “Parecia tão feliz”! Seu sorriso era radiante! E quando fui abraçar o noivo? Nossa, aquele homem másculo, forte, cheiroso… Confesso que toda aquela cena me incomodou. Fiquei irritada. Precisava me afastar dali! Fui me esconder no jardim. Ficar só. Buscar entender porque  fiquei infeliz com a felicidade de minha prima. Me peguei sentindo que queria estar no lugar dela. Que ela não existisse mais em minha vida! Era uma situação de raiva e culpa. Não conseguia evitar! Quando consegui voltar à festa, os noivos estavam dançando a tradicional valsa. Assim que olhei os seus passos de bailarina, em cima daquele sapato branco e alto, desejei que eles se quebrassem! Não estava suportando vê-la com tanta alegria de viver! Me senti uma bruxa! Sorrateiramente, fui embora da festa. Não dava mais pra ficar lá! Eu estava esvaziada e infeliz. Esse quadro mental começou a tomar proporções que estavam me levando a um intenso desequilíbrio. Não entendia como eu podia ser tão má!  Porque não conseguia me livrar desse sentimento tão intenso. “Eu queria tirar de Lívia toda a felicidade que sentia que ela estava vivendo, não me importando nem um pouco se ela sofresse ou não!” Cheguei até a ficar na dúvida se estava apaixonada por Carlos, seu marido. Morria de vergonha de contar isso a alguém. Fui buscar num livro de psicologia alguma explicação desse turbilhão de emoções. O que descobri me aliviou. Estou em minha décima  sessão de terapia. Comecei entendendo que sou humana e tenho que aceitar os meus sentimentos. Aprender a lidar com eles. Descobri também que não estou apaixonada por Carlos, apenas sou muito carente e mal resolvida. Entre outras coisas, fui mordida pela inveja de não ser feliz.  Era o doce que eu nunca comi! Quanto aos noivos, fiquei sabendo que estão em plena ” lua de mel”! Sabe que já torço pela felicidade deles!? Entrei em contato com meu coração. Estou iniciando uma lua de mel, comigo mesma! Tem um certo gostinho de felicidade no ar. “Acho que não sou tão bruxa assim!”.

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