MONALISA, ONDE VOCÊ SE ESCONDEU? (TIMIDEZ/SEXUALIDADE)!

Meu nome é Monalisa. Sempre me achei meio esquisita! Por mais que eu me esforçasse não conseguia me sentir igual aos outros. Tinha muita dificuldade de me encaixar no social, explicitamente. Na adolescência sofri muito por conta disso. Na escola,  enquanto minhas colegas de classe saboreavam a ebulição natural dos seus hormônios, paquerando, indo a festas, saindo com grupos de amigos, eu me mantinha isolada de tudo, sofrendo em silêncio! O momento do meu maior sofrimento foi aos quinze anos; me sentia um “E.T.”! Naquela fase,  iniciei um  processo de fechamento emocional profundo a ponto de não conseguir me expressar, nem em minha própria casa! Tenho uma irmã, Carla, um ano mais nova que eu. Ela era o meu oposto. Extrovertida e aparentemente feliz! Carla não fazia nenhuma questão de ser minha amiga! Acho que ela não gostava do meu jeito. Quanto à minha mãe, Helena, nunca me percebeu! Vivia tão preocupada com a sobrevivência! Parecia tão infeliz! Pudera, meu pai a abandonou assim que minha irmã nasceu. Ela teve que dar duro na vida!  Ser mãe e pai ao mesmo tempo. Nunca mais namorou ninguém! De vez em quando eu até tinha vontade de ser amiga da minha irmã, ser mais próxima de minha mãe! Fiz algumas tentativas que não deram em nada. Hoje, passados oito anos, percebo que talvez ela tivesse inveja de mim! Todos falavam de minha beleza, de meus olhos azuis e misteriosos, da minha meiguice… Os elogios eram constantes, mas eu me sentia feia e magra demais. Nem gostava de me olhar no espelho! Carla era o meu oposto. Graúda, nem um pouco delicada, falava muito alto e um tanto egoísta. Nunca queria  dividir nada. Invadia todos os espaços que conseguia, sem ter a menor culpa! Minha mãe dizia que ela era parecida com o meu pai! Tinha um comportamento oposto do meu. Comunicativa, determinada! Fazia de tudo pra conseguir o que queria, não media consequências! O fato que mais me marcou naquela época, foi aos dezesseis anos. Nessa fase arranjei um amor platônico, o garoto mais bonito da escola! Na minha fantasia eu podia viajar quanto tempo quisesse. Ninguém sabia, era só minha! Nos meus isolamentos, era a minha imaginação quem dava asas ao meu sonho. Me sentia poderosa, desejada! Num dia de setembro, estava ouvindo o meu coração, me imaginando dançando com esse amor idealizado, quando de repente chega a minha irmã, toda eufórica, carregando um livro da biblioteca da escola. Olhou pra mim com a indiferença de sempre e colocou esse livro em cima da mesa. Estava cantarolando e disse de repente que tinha começado um namoro com o Felipe, “o meu amor secreto”! Iria sair com ele naquela noite. Perdi o chão! Fiquei tonta, tentei disfarçar. Corri para o meu quarto e desandei a chorar. Lá fiquei horas sem fim, desolada, até Carla sair, para o encontro que me destruiu. Sozinha em casa, meio perdida, num impulso, voltei à sala tentando me recuperar. Peguei o livro que tinha ficado em cima da mesa e comecei a ler. Precisava fugir da tristeza que eu sentia… Li a sinopse e me interessei! Lá narrava a história de uma mulher que, para não sofrer, resolveu nunca amar.  Ela ficou assim depois de uma grande decepção amorosa. Quase enlouqueceu! Naquele momento ela jurou nunca mais querer se envolver com alguém! Transformou-se em uma pessoa extremamente racional! Correu atrás de sua profissão. Ganhou muito dinheiro! Seguiu na vida procurando se afastar dos relacionamentos que surgiram. Nunca mais amou! Em meu desespero, resolvi adotar o mesmo modelo! Achei que dessa maneira me pouparia de novas dores também. Me prometi não me magoar nunca mais! Peguei firme nos estudos, me formei em engenharia de alimentos. Consegui um bom emprego em outra cidade com um ótimo salário.  Hoje, passados onze anos, me sinto uma mulher segura, rígida e determinada, assim como a personagem daquele livro que li. Tenho quase tudo que o dinheiro pode comprar, mas confesso que “não sou feliz”! Não me permiti conhecer a “fêmea” que habita em mim. Passei todos esses anos fugindo do amor! Entediada, há um mês resolvi enfrentar as minhas defesas e fazer um curso de dança. Bem pertinho de casa! Sabe que estou adorando? Na última aula dancei com o “Antonio”, um moreno com olhos verdes e brilhantes! O seu sorriso maroto não me assustou!!! Alguma coisa está mudando em mim! Há um clima de tesão no ar…

1.023 comentários em “MONALISA, ONDE VOCÊ SE ESCONDEU? (TIMIDEZ/SEXUALIDADE)!”

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