FUGIR? NEM PENSE NISSO! ( SENSAÇÕES E DORES REPRIMIDAS).

“Qualquer hora irei embora. Preciso de ares novos! Vou procurar ficar longe desta loucura que você representa em minha vida”. Esta é a cena que meu psiquismo trazia do meu coração, incessantemente. Aquele olhar de “mar”, parecia um castigo a me torturar. Vinte e quatro horas por dia. Envolvia todos os meus sentidos, roubando a capacidade de ser eu mesma. Vivia anestesiada. Isto não era bom! De vez em quando me sentia compulsiva, obsessiva! Fechava os olhos e só enxergava os seus. É como se tudo ficasse verde! Naquela noite de quarta feira, quinze dias depois de você assassinar o nosso casamento, muito carente e sozinha, resolvi abrir o melhor vinho tinto que estava reservado para uma ocasião especial. Devia esse presente a mim. Peguei uma linda taça de cristal que minha avó tinha deixado, há muitos anos. Me joguei na rede pendurada na varanda. Dei asas à imaginação. Comecei a saborear aquele vinho, me balançando pra lá e pra cá, num movimento harmonioso e calmo. O sabor de cada gole, misturado ao sentimento de apatia que  sentia dentro de mim, despertava lembranças e histórias vividas. Mesmo assim, não teve jeito. Os meus sentidos dançavam no verde sem parar! Então, assim como uma criança resolvi pintar de verde todos os pensamentos e cenas que surgissem em minha mente.Talvez assim, o verde de seus olhos se escondessem de mim. Parecia uma loucura! Devagar, a garrafa foi ficando vazia e eu, muito tonta, adormeci na rede. Até altas horas. Acordei no meio da madrugada com uma certa dor de cabeça e uma desejo insistente de ligar para o meu amor. Briguei com a minha vontade. Seria insano. Me Culpei. Não! Não poderia fazer aquilo. “Ele me deixou na porta do altar”! Quase me suicidei! Cadê a minha sanidade? Como ficaria a minha auto- imagem? Realmente!!! Esperei  na varanda o dia nascer. Seus olhos verdes continuaram ainda me atormentando a alma! Resolvi fazer um café fresco e ligar para minha ex- terapeuta. Marcamos uma conversa para aquela manhã mesmo. Estava muito infeliz, não conseguia me livrar daquela angústia. Foi a melhor atitude que tomei. Assim que cheguei lá, me deitei no divã. Ela trabalhou a minha respiração com alongamentos sutis que provocassem descontrações musculares no corpo todo. Durante esses exercícios foram surgindo novas imagens e emoções bloqueadas que eu não tinha conseguido expressar, até então. Chorei muito! Esbravejei! Xinguei! Urrei como uma leoa ferida à morte! O verde olhar que perseguia a minha mente foi substituído por  um “vazio escuro”, vindo das entranhas. Me permiti sentir toda a intensidade da mágoa e raiva que ficaram bloqueadas no dia em que quase me perdi!

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