Através da janela do meu estúdio, vejo as folhas da pitangueira, dançando sem censura. O vento do outono, morno e suave, soprando folhas pra lá, pra cá… Anunciando as mudanças da estação. Meus olhos se fixam nessa dança. Despertam sensações tão antigas, tão conhecidas, que se misturam com os meus conflitos atuais. Confusão de sentimentos acelera meus pensamentos. Meu coração, neste momento, está começando a disparar… Angústias, desejos querendo emergir. Sinto-me em desequilíbrio energético. Dificuldade de organizar os pensamentos. Nossa! Estou adoecida, impotente. Não quero pensar nisso agora! Queria apenas ficar na saudade da infância. Lá encontro um porto seguro. Olhar o meu antigo quintal. Conversar de novo com a minha pitangueira. Com ela vivi tantas histórias. Momentos únicos. Toda vez que eu ficava triste, corria para o quintal e sentava ao pé da minha árvore. Longas conversas… Eu contava a ela todas as minhas mágoas. Queixumes, caprichos que me atormentavam. Ela sempre me ouvia. Como uma boa amiga faz. Oferecia acolhimento, em sua sombra frondosa e doces pitangas. Temos muitos, muitos segredos guardados. Amiga eterna! Bastava abraçar o seu tronco pra eu me acalmar. Contato quente e energético. “Árvores sentem e falam”! Assim que me formei em paisagismo, fiz questão de construir um espaço de trabalho integrado à natureza. Ficou perfeito na casa onde cresci. Há nove anos, pitangas brincam em cima de meu computador e de minha mesa de trabalho. Elas sempre me inspiraram. Adoçavam o meu humor. Tento fazer esforço pra não cair na depressão que está querendo me invadir. Não estou bem. Faço esforço pra fugir da minha tristeza. Está difícil! Quando me transporto para o passado, meus pensamentos são interrompidos abruptamente pelos últimos acontecimentos, que drenam minha pouca energia. Tento me enganar. Abafo a angústia que teima em voltar. Necessidade enorme de superar essa dor bloqueada no peito. Estou me sentindo fragilizada. Ambivalente! Confusão de sentimentos! “Às vezes, conciliar emoção com razão, fica quase impossível”. Tenho que admitir que a ruptura daquele amor, dilacerou meu coração. Reconstruir uma vida, me parece impossível. “Esse é um exercício árduo e muito sutil”. Exige busca de equilíbrio entre a mente e o corpo. A taquicardia não está passando! Isso me assusta! O peito aperta. Sinto as pernas bambas, meu Deus! Não, não vou me entregar a uma síndrome do pânico. Tenho muito medo desse transtorno. Não quero pensar mais em nenhuma tristeza. A falta de ar aumenta. Pensamentos e sensações se guerreando. Tento desviar meu foco mental. Não vou me permitir sofrer desse jeito. Reagir é a minha saída. Vou cuidar de resgatar o que perdi. “Amores fortes não podem morrer!”. Entrego-me novamente às recordações. Emergem ondas de raivas e de carinhos. Começo a respirar com pausas, para me acalmar dessa angústia. Vou me livrar dessas sensações que estão me machucando tanto. Dirijo-me até a janela do estúdio, buscando ar mais fresco. Ufa! Acho que já estou melhorando. O vento continua a balançar o galhos de minha velha amiga. Não se dá conta da intensidade da minha dor! Retomo a respiração normal e a taquicardia melhora. Olho o sol me aquecendo. Ele se mistura com o vento. As folhas caindo pelo chão. Busco na pitangueira, como antigamente, aquele afago energético tão conhecido! Parece que ela está sorrindo para mim. Continua saudável e forte. Só está perdendo folhas fracas ou talvez antigas! Outras nascerão em seu lugar. Mudanças necessárias para um novo ciclo. Faço simultaneamente uma analogia com o que estou sentindo. Isso me dá um certo alívio! Com essa sensação forte, desvio meu olhar das folhas para o caule. Fico assustada pela invasão de formigas vorazes que ali estão. Isso me arrepia. Uma atitude se faz necessária! Conflito intenso se instala novamente. Essas formigas invadiram a árvore errada. A MINHA PITANGUEIRA NÃO!
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