ESTIVE MORRENDO! (CASTRAÇÃO EMOCIONAL)

Desde criança fui considerado muito sensível. Acho que foi por isso que minha mãe, mulher muito prática, tratou logo de resolver o problema do jeito dela. Me internou num colégio de padres,  muito rigoroso. Eu estava com nove anos de idade. Adorava brincar com meu gato, jogar botão com meus primos e sentir o cheiro das comidas que faziam lá em casa. Meus pais nunca se interessaram em saber qual era o meu desejo. Aliás, meu pai era um ausente. Minha mãe era quem determinava tudo. “Criança não tem querer”! Dizia que, com uma disciplina rígida, eu iria amadurecer mais rápido e que não choraria mais, igual a uma menininha. Ela foi cruel comigo! Não considerou meus anseios, meus temores e o quanto eu sentiria sua falta. Mas, não teve jeito.  Fui separado de minhas fontes de afeto. Quando cheguei naquele seminário, estranhei muito. Lá tudo era tão frio! Vivi momentos terríveis, mas sobrevivi. Realmente, fui parando de chorar; e de expressar emoções! Paralelamente, desenvolvi um quadro mental muito rígido. Durante as noites mal dormidas, as angústias vinham em formas de muito medo e insegurança.  Esse medo foi sendo encoberto por uma raiva intensa. Foi muita rejeição! Meus sentimentos foram sendo substituídos por uma necessidade enorme de ser o melhor em tudo. Comecei a funcionar como um robô! Não havia mais espaço para o SENTIR. Me enquadrei naquele ambiente frio e sem afeto. Passei a ocupar todo o meu tempo com muitos estudos e futebol. Arrasei! Me destaquei. Eu parecia uma máquina humana! Fiquei famoso e respeitado. Todos me admiravam. Meu ego se alimentou com o sentimento de orgulho. Sobrevivi! O tempo foi passando. Minha mãe esteve muito ausente por todo aquele período. Eu sofria calado. Sentia imensas angústias em formas de pesadelos. Períodos de depressão! Me tornei extremamente competitivo. Com todo o sucesso que eu conquistei lá dentro, fui convidado a escrever peças para o nosso teatro interno.  Aproveitei a chance e, acho até que inconscientemente, comecei a expressar através de temas e roteiros, sentimentos e sensações reprimidas. Me transformei num transgressor de regras do internato. Com dezessete anos fui expulso por ser considerado uma ameaça aos valores daquela instituição. Adorei! Finalmente iria ter liberdade e seguir um caminho que fosse escolhido por mim. Saí daquele inferno! Nunca perdoei a minha mãe pelo abandono. Acho que ela nem percebeu. Vivia tão envolvida com valores externos e fúteis.  O status social sempre foi o que ela priorizava na vida! Continuei os meus estudos. Me formei em publicidade. Saí de casa assim que comecei a trabalhar.  Hoje, aos trinta anos, sou um profissional de publicidade bem sucedido. Ganho muito dinheiro. NÃO SOU FELIZ! Nunca me apaixonei por ninguém. Nem por homem! Nem por mulher! Tenho muitas dificuldades com afetos e vínculos. Há uns dois meses comecei a ter um pesadelo recorrente. Ele está me incomodando muito! No pesadelo, sou criança perdida num deserto. Sinto frio e estou tremendo. De repente começo a gritar desesperadamente, e acabo chorando muito! Acordo com taquicardia e suores frios! Andei lendo, ultimamente, textos sobre a ansiedade. Acho que esse mal me pegou. Estou precisando me alongar, respirar e sentir. ” TALVEZ O HOMEM ROBÔ FAÇA AS PAZES COM O MENINO CHORÃO”!

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