Estou perdendo você! Há uns dois meses, acordei com essa frase martelando em minha cabeça. Assustada, dei um pulo da cama. Esfreguei os olhos meio embaçados pelo sono intenso que ainda faltava ser dormido. Confusa. Tentei organizar os pensamentos. Estava um bocado difícil. Falta de conexão entre os pensamentos e sentimentos. Taquicardia insistia em me assustar. Respiração meio asfixiante. Por um momento, pensei que estava morrendo. Coisa horrível! Num repente, surgiu na mente, como uma luz, o valioso ensinamento de minha mãezinha, mulher sensível e natural. Muitas vezes sua sinceridade machucava, porém, quando o assunto era cuidar, ela era uma mestra. Eu aprendi a ser assim, também. Em minhas crises de ansiedade, amorosamente, olhava em em meus olhos e segurando minhas mãos calorosamente, falava:- “Filha, respira fundo. Lentamente. Inspira pelo nariz e solta o ar pela boca. Tudo vai passar”. Isso me me acalmava absurdamente. Era um remédio, tão rápido. Não sei se respiração ou o seu doce olhar que me curava. Transmitia segurança e calma. Sentia-me acolhida e protegida. Naquela noite, ao acordar sobressaltada, Imediatamente, comecei a fazer os exercícios de Inspirar e expirar, lentamente… Fui me acalmando. Grande alívio, sair daquela estado de morte! Começaram a emergir em minha mente imagens e sensações do pesadelo devastador que eu tinha tido durante o sono e não estava lembrando. Concomitantemente, vieram as dores do relacionamento doentio que estava vivendo com Eduardo. Parecia um raio X do que estava acontecendo em meu coração. Todo o contexto do pesadelo refletia a realidade emocional corrosiva a que eu estava me submetendo. Tantas humilhações e desrespeito à minha pessoa! O pior é que eu estava conivente com tudo aquilo. O meu amor próprio, zerado! Eu tentando convencer Eduardo a não se separar de mim. Olha só que absurdo! A que ponto cheguei por aquele homem. Achava que ele era o grande amor de minha vida. Nunca me questionei se eu era o grande amor da vida dele. Aliás, hoje eu percebo que ele nunca sentiu amor por nenhuma mulher. Não tinha em seu currículo emocional nada que expressasse isso. Apenas, sonhei ser o seu primeiro amor. Que engano louco! Acho que o fato dele ter sido violentamente rejeitado pela sua mãe marcou profundamente o seu relacionamento com outras mulheres. Rejeição de mãe é um caso sério! Li que isso pode justificar atitudes de desprezo e raiva em relação as outras mulheres. Dificuldade em se entregar ao amor. Fica menos ameaçador os envolvimentos mais rasos. A intimidade emocional com uma mulher pode ficar comprometida. Medos inconscientes acumulados de sofrer, misturado a sentimentos de mágoa e rancor. “Dificuldade de entrega” ! Pesquisei na internet sobre esse assunto. Lá dizia que esse padrão de comportamento funciona como mecanismo de defesa para se proteger da dor. Resultado da rejeição sofrida. Compreender isso me deu um grande alívio. Consegui ampliar a consciência e diminuir a minha dor. Integrar o que eu sentia com o que vivia naquela relação doente foi salutar. Enxerguei mais claro todo o meu casamento. Pude me perdoar por tantos danos que eu me permiti vivendo com aquele homem. Quantos ataques injustos eu suportei, entrelaçados ao um comportamento de desespero de minha parte, tentando melhorar o clima entre a gente. Como eu estava insana! Queria cuidar dele como quem cuida de uma criança. Lembro que isso aumentava a sua fúria. Não conseguia receber carinho afetuoso. Para ele só o sexo é que funcionava como contato. Instantes depois ele retornava ao seu padrão ácido e crítico. Um verdadeiro iceberg. Eu sem entender toda essa desestrutura emocional, fiquei nos últimos seis meses de nosso relacionamento, tentando salvar esse casamento falido, por absoluta falta de condição psicológica de Eduardo. Sua estrutura de caráter não conseguia lidar com o meu amor. Muitos sentimentos mal resolvidos. Mágoas profundas não tratadas. Hoje, sinto que me perdoando, consigo perdoá-lo também. Ele foi vítima de uma mãe desprovida de sentimentos maternos. Não teve escolha. Eu tenho! Estava cega! Hoje, já tenho condições psicológicas para mudar meus rumos. Edu não! Ele só tem uma saída. Se submeter a um tratamento psicológico eficiente. Talvez assim, consiga entrar em contato com sensações e sentimentos genuínos que o transforme em um ser humano mais saudável. Daí, quem sabe, ele consiga sentir amor por uma mulher. Conhecer esse tipo de felicidade! Estou reconstruindo a minha autoimagem e minha sanidade emocional. Aquele meu pesadelo foi terapêutico. Depois da assustadora taquicardia que me acometeu, pude me reposicionar diante da vida. Acho que foi Deus quem me fez passar por aquele momento transformador! Foi a forma “DELE” me ajudar. Eu estava presa numa jaula sem chaves. Sem ter essa consciência, fragilizada, me debatia naquela jaula e me resignava. Hoje sei que o amor deve ter luz! Alimentar a alma. Nutrir e agregar. Minha sábia amiga Lenita já tinha me alertado que eu estava numa relação simbiótica e doentia. Cheguei até a brigar feio com ela. Mas, amiga, de verdade, não liga pra isso. No dia seguinte a nossa briga, ela fez o meu bolo de chocolate preferido. Foi pessoalmente entregar lá em casa. Chorei de alegria. Um bolo de chocolate pode fazer milagres! Depois disso ela foi viajar para o exterior. Um sonho que alimentava há anos. Semana passada, me ligou. Quando falei dos meus novos rumos de vida deu um grito de alegria, despertando em mim incríveis sensações de vida. Já estou com as passagens compradas. Irei ficar uns tempos com ela no Canadá. Se as coisas derem certo, talvez eu fique por lá. Não estou fugindo, não! Sou uma nova mulher. Coração cheio de sonhos. Andei castigando demais a minha “menina interna”. Estou respondendo ao seu pedido tão antigo:- CUIDA DE MIM!
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