Desde criança, fui considerado muito sensível. Acho que foi por isso que minha mãe, mulher muito prática, tratou logo de resolver o problema do jeito dela, me internando num colégio de padres. Muito rigoroso. Com nove anos de idade, fui afastada de minha casa. Foi violento para mim! Adorava brincar com meu gato, jogar botão com primo, sentir o cheiro das comidas que minha mãe fazia. Tudo foi arrancado de mim, abruptamente. Ninguém quis saber qual era meu desejo. Aliás, meu pai era um ausente. Não tinha voz para nada. Dominado pela minha mãe. Ela quem controlava tudo. “Criança não tem querer”! Dizia que disciplina rígida é construtiva. “Eu iria amadurecer mais rápido e não choraria mais como menininha”. Ela foi cruel comigo! Não considerou meus anseios, meus temores e o quanto eu sentiria sua falta. Me senti abandonado, rejeitado. Não teve jeito, fui separado de minhas fontes de afeto! Quando cheguei naquele seminário, estranhei tudo. Era tão frio! Vivi momentos terríveis Sobrevivi. Realmente, fui parando de chorar; e de expressar emoções! Paralelamente, desenvolvi um quadro mental muito rígido. Durante noites mal dormidas, angústias vinham em formas de medo intenso e insegurança. Esse medo foi sendo encoberto por uma raiva intensa. “Senti muita rejeição”! Desenvolvi a necessidade de ser o melhor em tudo. Comecei a funcionar como um robô! Não havia mais espaço para o “SENTIR”. Fui me enquadrando naquele ambiente frio e sem afeto. Passei a ocupar o primeiro lugar da escola toda. Usava todo meu tempo com estudos e futebol. Arrasei! Me destaquei. Todos me admiravam e respeitavam. Eu parecia uma máquina humana! Meu ego se alimentou com o sentimento de orgulho. Sobrevivi! O tempo foi passando. Minha mãe, muito ausente por todo aquele período. Fazia visitas bimestrais ou trimestrais. Eu sofria calado. Imensas angústias em formas de pesadelos, intercalando com períodos de depressão! Me tornei extremamente competitivo. Com todo esse sucesso, fui convidado a escrever peças para o teatro de lá. Adorei! Aproveitei a chance para soltar “meus demônios” internos. Fui me expressando. Transgredindo regras rígidas através dos roteiros que desenvolvia para o teatro. Serviam como válvula de escape dos meu conflitos. “Me transformei num transgressor de regras do internato”. Com dezessete anos fui expulso. Fui considerado uma ameaça aos valores daquela instituição. “Melhor notícia de minha vida”. Finalmente iria ter liberdade e seguir um caminho que fosse escolhido por mim. Saí daquele inferno! Nunca perdoei a minha mãe pelo abandono. Acho que ela nem percebeu! Vivia envolvida com valores externos e fúteis. O status social sempre foi o que ela priorizou. Continuei com meus estudos, me formei em publicidade. Arranjei emprego. Dezenove anos, saí de casa. Hoje, aos trinta, sou profissional de publicidade, bem sucedido. Ganho dinheiro suficiente para ter conforto. NÃO SOU FELIZ! Nunca me apaixonei por ninguém. Nem por homem! Nem por mulher! Muitas dificuldades, com afetos e vínculos. Há uns dois meses comecei a ter um pesadelo recorrente. Está me incomodando muito! No pesadelo, sou criança perdida num deserto, com frio e tremendo muito. De repente começo a gritar desesperadamente. Acabo chorando muito! Acordo com taquicardia e suores frios. (Andei lendo, ultimamente, textos sobre a ansiedade). Acho que esse mal me pegou. Não ando bem emocionalmente. Quando alongo e respiro, sinto certo alívio no peito. “TALVEZ O HOMEM ROBÔ FAÇA AS PAZES COM O MENINO CHORÃO”!
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